Thursday, March 31, 2011

...*Pregnant Pause*...

I think I have only one regular reader, and I believe he is from the Hunan province in China (well actually I don’t know if he is a spammer or a reader, but I am going to go on a limb and tell you that I think Chinese people are used to expressing their appreciation of your writing by offering to sell you pills that treat erectile dysfunction and I think that is highly considerate. So...) Benevolent Sir, this article is directly addressed to you. My Willy and I are very thankful for your kind offers and persevering readership of my blog and we would like to apologize that the blog has not been updated recently. I don’t like to issue lame excuses so I would like to issue an able-bodied one.

As you may have noticed, my writing and updating of the blog of late has literally come to a pregnant pause. (By the word “literally” I actually mean “literally” and not “figuratively”. When most people use the word “literally” nowadays, they don’t use it in the literal sense of the word at all; they are literally using the figurative meaning of the word, which is “figuratively”.) This is to say that, I have stopped writing because of all the pregnant people in the world. A lot of people I know are getting in and out of pregnancy and it is out of love and concern for all these expecting mothers and the developing fetuses that I have stopped writing. I know you might already be thinking this is all bullshit but I really mean it, I can’t write if people won’t stop reproducing.

You know how they say pregnant women should not smoke, drink or consume caffeine. I think more importantly pregnant women should not laugh. It all occurred to me when I was with a cousin who was pregnant and we were watching a funny movie together and she was literally (figuratively) rolling on the floor laughing and it made me strangely uncomfortable. See, if you examine the dynamics of laughing, there is an alternating contraction and expansion of the chest cavity and the diaphragm, your abdomen goes into moderately rapid spasms. The entire upper body resonates at a funny frequency. In my head, this should in the uterus simulate the action of taking the baby and shaking it vigorously, much like a bottle of tonic. And I don’t think it is advisable to do that. I am sure that when rappers of poor quality say “Shake that, baby” they are saying it figuratively (literally). I mean they are not really asking you to violently agitate infants; and also note the punctuation.

I attempt humor and when people read my blog they laugh (whether, they laugh at the humor or the attempt is a discussion that is not relevant here.) and I don’t want to be the reason people shake babies, even if they are sheikh babies. So if I have to start writing again, I have to wait till people stop becoming pregnant. So if you like my writing, please keep your fingers (and probably your legs) crossed.

Thank you.

P.S - Additionally Sir, if you would not pass around erectile dysfunction pills, that might also help towards the cause.