A friend recently asked me to help them compile a list of guidelines for graduate students from India coming into the US for the first time and here is some advice I could come up with.
The reasons are only as diverse as the crowd themselves. There are the truly aspiring ones, the ones with nothing better to do, the greedy ones and the ones pecked into the decision due to pressure from parents and peers. But nevertheless, as every fall dawns, they all join the “August Rush” in pulling the same end of the tug-rope trudging onwards towards the shores of the glorified “Land of the free and home of the brave”. They all come in carrying porcelain dreams as big as their oversized baggage.
The westward march is much akin to a military operation with complicated strategies and intensive planning. The troops are prepared and trained to be able to survive for a year with nothing but their cabin baggage, they are trained to lie to, cheat and scam border security officials and customs officers alike. It is a rather scary thought, but if all these strategic minds are put together on a single drawing board, we could invade the entire world.
The big problem with the entire westward exodus is that it a comedy of misinformation. As a responsible servant of my homeland, I really think it is my duty to ameliorate this situation. So I should clarify certain myths surrounding this glorious country.
Myth #1 : Terrorists and illegal immigrants do not cut their hair.
When they showed the photographs of terrorists on TV the other day, I was shocked. They all had very decent hair-cuts. I also saw illegal immigrants pumping gas at the station, again clean shave and clean haircut. To think of it, I was somehow tricked into believing that a proper shave and a haircut was a highly imperative factor towards getting a visa. In fact without my fancy long multicolored hair I looked more inconspicuous, I looked like a face in the crowd. Why would I try to look inconspicuous? Well, unless I was a terrorist.
There is no trick to acing the Visa interview, they know you are lying and for god’s sake half of us don’t even know to lie convincingly. Try to present a genuine case.
Myth #2 : The baggage check-in counter is a black hole.
My highly vocal aunt is very assured of her opinion that the check-in baggage counter at the airport is a miniature black hole and that anything put in the check-in baggage is lost forever. So it is very important to squeeze my entire house, refrigerator and kitchen sink included, into the cabin baggage. But it was mildly amused when at the airport, I did receive my checked in luggage. As ridiculous as it may sound I do have anecdotal evidence that checked in luggage do make it to their destination once a while.
Myth #3 : This is a land inhabited by carnivorous animals that do not brush their teeth.
I was really surprised when I went to the store the other day. But despite my initial disbelief, it is true, there are civilized human beings here too and they really sell toothpaste in the store. . If I knew earlier that they sell soap, shampoo and toothpaste in this country, I would not have brought 7 tubes of toothpaste, I would have brought only 5. That way, my last 2 toothpastes would not have cost me 60$ for the enormously overweight baggage that I was carrying. Talk about being penny wise and pound foolish
Myth #4 : Infants older than 3 yrs are not permitted to attend graduate school.
This myth is prevalent especially among parents. Well, my suspicions were confirmed but most students coming to graduate school are generally full grown adults. So mothers triple sealing packets of mango pickles in
(voice from the audience)
Best Mom Award winner : “But my son is just a baby, what do you expect him to do at this young age”
Sarcasm Guru : “How old were you when you got married and started running the home by yourself?? Think about it…. And I love you mom!”
So, if your kids complain about doing their own laundry and throwing out their own trash, please ask the whiny idiot to suck it up and start acting like an adult.
Myth#5 : Food is a scarce commodity here, and vegetarians are stoned to death by the carnivorous animals.
If this country is good at one thing, it will be its ability at making people obese. This is the fattest country in the world. No one and I mean no one has ever come to this country and lost weight. No one has ever gone malnourished, including vegetarians.
(voice from audience)
Grass-chewer : No! No! NO!... I am vegetarian, I don’t get any food here.
Sarcasm guru : That’s wrong, you are either narrow minded stupid who refuses to try the new vegetarian special on the menu or you are a cheese pizza hogging, veggie burrito gorging, alfredo pasta with zucchini and Portobello mushrooms devouring liar.
I really agree that the hundreds of condiments bundled in delicious parental love make edible, the monstrosities that these inglorious idiots cook for dinner (unless you are the guy with most friends… because you can cook). But nevertheless, the beer and Chinese food that are dialed in are still doing their part in making sure that they will need new clothes when they come home for Christmas. Reminds me of which they don’t need 45 jeans pants, 40 would suffice and they will be going up one pant size pretty soon anyways.
Myth#6 : All graduate students are overworked, homesick and depressed
Here are some pointers parents, sometimes your wards might not call you or attend calls on weekends or when you call on a Sunday morning they might sound very dull and diseased. This is generally because they were working very hard as a part of the “keg-floating-committee” the previous night. Also hangover is not a sickness or a disease, they will get over it. Please don’t advice them to take Crocin or other related analgesics it will only add to the acidity that they have from all the tequila shots.
Also, when in doubt, blame the kid. If he says he is overworked, he is lazy. If he says he is underpaid, he is greedy. If he says he feels tired, he is drinking too much. If he says that his life sucks, tell him that the old girlfriend was not worth it and that you will look for a beautiful alliance from the same caste for him.
The mind of a graduate student is a colorful salad of various emotions. Anxiety of a job hunt, tiff with the girl friend, victory over the rival school in football, speeding tickets, room-mate’s new play station, acing an exam, bungee jumping, maxed out credit cards, the Sunday barbecue to which the hot girl next door is coming to… Everything adds spice to the salad
P.S – Talking of salads, salads in this country can constitute an entire meal.
Myth #7 : Life will be the exact same here as it was back at home
They say this is the land of opportunity and damned right they were not kidding about that. Most people miss opportunity because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
A corollary to this myth is that life is mechanical over here, or that is what has become fashionable to claim. But however, the last I knew, machines did not go scuba diving in
So wrapping up, its not that bad here, it is a different place, nevertheless it will be a different life, just be ready for it and try to embrace the change gracefully.
