Have you ever been in a situation when you wanted to just sprint a few yards, just to catch a bus or to get to a meeting on time but you havent been able to because you were too fat? Are you a bloke who is 250 pounds, and you want to lose 150 pounds, with just minimal effort? The answer is simple, go to Mars. I am not joking, this is a scientifically verifiable truth. If you are 250 pounds now, you will weigh only a shy short of 100 pounds in Mars. Which is why I tell you fat people should be sent to Mars and much for their own good.
You see life is all about survival. Imagine if you are fat and being chased by a pack of hungry wild dogs, and you need to run for your life. You cant do it cause there is too much friction between your thighs, and the fact that your heart trying to pump oxygenated blood through your jupiter body is somewhat like trying to fill a bucket with an ink-dropper. But on the other hand, that wiry thitch whom you can break in half on a given day can easily outrun you. Wild dogs are typically not on diets either, so they will be happy with a big wad of adipose laden bacon rather than chewy lean meat. But the wild dog situtation can also be seen metaphorically, it is a dog eat dog world. Thin people are always beating you to the restrooms, to the line at the bank, they are moving places faster. Life is about the survival of the fittest and if you cant get fit soon enough, it is time to migrate. And what place to go better than Mars.
Fine, I do agree that I havent thought this through completely, there are some difficulties, with little things like food, oxygen and things like that. But the more I think about it, I find that this option is becoming more realistic. Like food for example, most fat people have enough adipose reserves to last a few years maybe, so if you can just keep hydrated, urinate infrequently and derive some minerals from martian rocks that will give you time to figure things out.And guess what martian rocks are rich in iron, you will never have anemia and that is a good thing. What about temperature, it is colder in mars, no problem fat people are so well insulated all you need maybe is additional body hair, some hair implants on the body to begin with and in a matter of a few generations nature will naturally select the hairy ones.
Life will be rosy in Mars. First, there are no wild dogs in Mars. And as all the thin people will be busy chasing each other on earth, 60 60 72 will be the new 36 25 36. You will be happier because there will be no more "fat" jokes because of the pot and kettle predicament. You dont have to use a motorized cart in WALMART to procure your daily supply of hot-dogs. All of physical activity will be so much easier, that your hearts will be quite relaxed and the capillary thin clogged arteries will be more than sufficient. You can run your heart's content without breaking as much as a sweat and for once you can get off a couch in less than a minute without the use of a forklift. There are just many martian records just waiting to be shattered, there is a Usain Blob in each of you just waiting to do what you are destined to do. So listen to what I have to say, get your martian arse off the couch, brush away the french fries off your manboobs and be on your way.
Mirror Mirror on the Wall : Which planet/satellite is ideal for my weight? Click here to find out.
PS - I am in quite an acerbic and irritable mood, so I don't care for euphemisms now. Fat people are not horizontally challenged, they are plain fat. If this post hurt you, here is my advice, try to cry yourself into losing a few pounds. I am sure I will regret this post some time later.
Credits : The idea was a brainchild of RMD and he is also going to hell with me.
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