When your social skills are as limited as mine, you would at some point come down to pets. Eventually, you would have asked all of your friends to piss off and they do have the constitutional freedom to oblige. On the other hand, animals don't have a constitution, they can be caged and no matter how mean you are to them, they have no choice but to stay. You have to realize that creepy old ladies don't just smell of cats, they sometimes actually have cats. The problem however is, I have not grown up with pets. It was my mother's opinion that my sister and I were already like filthy dogs, so she didn't see the point in having a third one. This leaves me with a problem, I don't know how to grow pets*.
The problem is these things don't come with an instruction manual, there is no check engine light or oil pressure gauge and unlike in the cartoons they don't turn green when they are sick. So, how do I know if my dog is diabetic or has acid reflux. How do I find out if my cat is manic depressed or suicidal. So given my luck and ineptitude, I will end up with a diabetic suicidal dog that I will manage to kill before it kills itself. The only logical way conceivable, to come out of this predicament gracefully, is to buy a pet that is edible. Like a rabbit. That way, when my pet dies, I could continue eating my Rabbit Scallopini or Muyal Biriyani and just say " Yeah, I meant to do it."
But that is simply not a feasible solution either. I cant just have a rabbit as a pet, the "Macho man Randy Savage" in me would just stick his head in an oven and turn it to 500 Fahrenheit. My pet has to be cool, should have something like a prehensile tail, or a forked tongue or should come with guns and explosives. So obviously, my ideal pet is an Iguana. It has more vowels in its name than consonants and that already is worth a million cool points. And, nobody will feel bad when the Iguana dies (eventually), so I wont look like a beast. No pretty girl has ever gone "awwww" for a dead Iguana, so I can just throw it in the trash and that will be that.
So now that it was certain that I am getting a pet iguana, I had to think up a name for it. Again the problem is, the convention of naming your pet after the pigmentation or texture of the skin doesn't work very well, like "Spot" or "Fluffy" unless you think that "with spiky tuberculate scales behind the neck" is an appropriate name. In fact none of the conventional pet names would work, a cool pet really needs a really hot name. So again obviously I had to name it after Korean Food. So I decided my Iguana was going to be called "Jjajangmyeun", sounds like the name of a nuclear powered ninja.
Just when everything seemed to be coming together quite well, I realized something and everything just fell apart. Sadly, Korean food names are not appropriate for iguana. That's because Koreans don't eat Iguana, but you very well know what they do eat... DOGS. (Now here is where the train of thoughts gets derailed, hundreds get killed, Crores of rupees worth of goods are destroyed, the railway minister issues a press release etc.) I mean its a fantastic idea to name your dogs after Korean food. That way when the Koreans eventually get your dog, they will know what to cook with it. Think of it, Bull-terrier Bulgogi or Poodle Noodle with Collie-flower in Terrier-ki sauce**. Doesn't that just sound too perfect to pass? So please name your dogs after Korean food. I know the whole iguana plan has been jeopardized, but nevertheless, Bon Ap"pet"it.
*You don't "grow" pets do you? Its not like they are plants or bacteria. What do you do with pets anyway? Raise them?? Nurture them?? whatever it is you do with pets, I don't know how to do that.
**I know that is not Korean but you sometimes have to roll with it.
The problem is these things don't come with an instruction manual, there is no check engine light or oil pressure gauge and unlike in the cartoons they don't turn green when they are sick. So, how do I know if my dog is diabetic or has acid reflux. How do I find out if my cat is manic depressed or suicidal. So given my luck and ineptitude, I will end up with a diabetic suicidal dog that I will manage to kill before it kills itself. The only logical way conceivable, to come out of this predicament gracefully, is to buy a pet that is edible. Like a rabbit. That way, when my pet dies, I could continue eating my Rabbit Scallopini or Muyal Biriyani and just say " Yeah, I meant to do it."
But that is simply not a feasible solution either. I cant just have a rabbit as a pet, the "Macho man Randy Savage" in me would just stick his head in an oven and turn it to 500 Fahrenheit. My pet has to be cool, should have something like a prehensile tail, or a forked tongue or should come with guns and explosives. So obviously, my ideal pet is an Iguana. It has more vowels in its name than consonants and that already is worth a million cool points. And, nobody will feel bad when the Iguana dies (eventually), so I wont look like a beast. No pretty girl has ever gone "awwww" for a dead Iguana, so I can just throw it in the trash and that will be that.
So now that it was certain that I am getting a pet iguana, I had to think up a name for it. Again the problem is, the convention of naming your pet after the pigmentation or texture of the skin doesn't work very well, like "Spot" or "Fluffy" unless you think that "with spiky tuberculate scales behind the neck" is an appropriate name. In fact none of the conventional pet names would work, a cool pet really needs a really hot name. So again obviously I had to name it after Korean Food. So I decided my Iguana was going to be called "Jjajangmyeun", sounds like the name of a nuclear powered ninja.
Just when everything seemed to be coming together quite well, I realized something and everything just fell apart. Sadly, Korean food names are not appropriate for iguana. That's because Koreans don't eat Iguana, but you very well know what they do eat... DOGS. (Now here is where the train of thoughts gets derailed, hundreds get killed, Crores of rupees worth of goods are destroyed, the railway minister issues a press release etc.) I mean its a fantastic idea to name your dogs after Korean food. That way when the Koreans eventually get your dog, they will know what to cook with it. Think of it, Bull-terrier Bulgogi or Poodle Noodle with Collie-flower in Terrier-ki sauce**. Doesn't that just sound too perfect to pass? So please name your dogs after Korean food. I know the whole iguana plan has been jeopardized, but nevertheless, Bon Ap"pet"it.
*You don't "grow" pets do you? Its not like they are plants or bacteria. What do you do with pets anyway? Raise them?? Nurture them?? whatever it is you do with pets, I don't know how to do that.
**I know that is not Korean but you sometimes have to roll with it.
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