Men are from mars??? No wait, thats for fat people!!!

Have you ever been in a situation when you wanted to just sprint a few yards, just to catch a bus or to get to a meeting on time but you havent been able to because you were too fat? Are you a bloke who is 250 pounds, and you want to lose 150 pounds, with just minimal effort? The answer is simple, go to Mars. I am not joking, this is a scientifically verifiable truth. If you are 250 pounds now, you will weigh only a shy short of 100 pounds in Mars. Which is why I tell you fat people should be sent to Mars and much for their own good.

You see life is all about survival. Imagine if you are fat and being chased by a pack of hungry wild dogs, and you need to run for your life. You cant do it cause there is too much friction between your thighs, and the fact that your heart trying to pump oxygenated blood through your jupiter body is somewhat like trying to fill a bucket with an ink-dropper. But on the other hand, that wiry thitch whom you can break in half on a given day can easily outrun you. Wild dogs are typically not on diets either, so they will be happy with a big wad of adipose laden bacon rather than chewy lean meat. But the wild dog situtation can also be seen metaphorically, it is a dog eat dog world. Thin people are always beating you to the restrooms, to the line at the bank, they are moving places faster. Life is about the survival of the fittest and if you cant get fit soon enough, it is time to migrate. And what place to go better than Mars.

Fine, I do agree that I havent thought this through completely, there are some difficulties, with little things like food, oxygen and things like that. But the more I think about it, I find that this option is becoming more realistic. Like food for example, most fat people have enough adipose reserves to last a few years maybe, so if you can just keep hydrated, urinate infrequently and derive some minerals from martian rocks that will give you time to figure things out.And guess what martian rocks are rich in iron, you will never have anemia and that is a good thing. What about temperature, it is colder in mars, no problem fat people are so well insulated all you need maybe is additional body hair, some hair implants on the body to begin with and in a matter of a few generations nature will naturally select the hairy ones.

Life will be rosy in Mars. First, there are no wild dogs in Mars. And as all the thin people will be busy chasing each other on earth, 60 60 72 will be the new 36 25 36. You will be happier because there will be no more "fat" jokes because of the pot and kettle predicament. You dont have to use a motorized cart in WALMART to procure your daily supply of hot-dogs. All of physical activity will be so much easier, that your hearts will be quite relaxed and the capillary thin clogged arteries will be more than sufficient. You can run your heart's content without breaking as much as a sweat and for once you can get off a couch in less than a minute without the use of a forklift. There are just many martian records just waiting to be shattered, there is a Usain Blob in each of you just waiting to do what you are destined to do. So listen to what I have to say, get your martian arse off the couch, brush away the french fries off your manboobs and be on your way.


Mirror Mirror on the Wall : Which planet/satellite is ideal for my weight? Click here to find out.

PS - I am in quite an acerbic and irritable mood, so I don't care for euphemisms now. Fat people are not horizontally challenged, they are plain fat. If this post hurt you, here is my advice, try to cry yourself into losing a few pounds. I am sure I will regret this post some time later.

Credits : The idea was a brainchild of RMD and he is also going to hell with me.

The Indian mother Vs The Little red light

You know how dogs go inexplicably crazy chasing the red dot from a laser pointer. My mother is a little like that too, but with the little red LED lights on electronic gadgets. For some reason this whole "stand-by mode" concept doesn't make sense to her. When you turn a TV off, she wants it to really be turned off. I mean to say that it is not enough to just turn it off using the remote control, you need to get off the couch, walk up to the television and really turn it off till there is no red light. The microwave clock ticks her off too, when the clock blinks at her it becomes like this itch that she cant resist scratching. Its the same with the laptop, the modem, the air-conditioner. Every light emitting semiconductor device has to be dealt with till they no longer produce light. And you have to absolutely do what it takes, like press that main power button on the TV (and it typically takes about four thumbs to press the button) or find that hidden switch on the modem that really is impossible to locate or pull out the power-cord from the switchboard that is hidden so far behind the desk that it requires your elbow to bend backwards in order to reach it. You have to realize that some of these demands are physically impossible and dont even get me started about getting off the couch. I totally understand why one should not waste power and I admit to being guilty, more than once, of letting the television run without actually watching it, but I don't understand why it cant remain in the stand-by mode. I tried to explain to her how the little red LED actually doesn't use all that much power and how getting off the couch can be injurious to my health, but lets face it she is incurably addicted. When my back is turned I know she still secretly goes about turning things off.


I would normally let her go about with her button pushing addiction, but the other day she just pushed the wrong buttons for me. I was trying to turn the laptop ON. Now, the LED predicament means that I couldn't leave the laptop in suspension. This meant that I had to resurrect my laptop again from its death, electrons had to move about in the system and reach a state of dynamic equilibrium before I could use it again. And this only takes about 15 to 20 years. So I thought I could turn it ON, go check the scores of the cricket match and come back. Then my dear laptop will be waiting for me ready to use. I turn on the laptop, go watch the cricket match till the advertisement comes on (which nowadays happens every time you blink). So I go to check if the laptop is turned ON and quite irritatingly it was turned back OFF. Why on earth would you turn a laptop off before it even booted up? And how in the 3 milliseconds that I was away, did my mother find the time to come and turn my laptop back off.

Now this was simply getting out of hand so I turned it back ON and went to go give her a piece of my mind and tell her to keep her hands off the laptop. I marched into the hall furiously rolling my cuffs up only to ironically find myself in the receiving end of a tirade for having left the TV running.... and the laptop running... and everything running. What ensued was a well rehearsed commentary about how I leave everything switched on, with an emphasis on how precious electricity is, and with side-notes mentioning my lack of concern for the economy and the environment and how education has completely failed me. I hunched into a ball in one corner of the room and cried myself to sleep.

The Ultimate Guide to Driving on Indian Roads – Part II : Knowing your enemy

In India, driving is like warfare. You have to fight for your right of way, your life, your vehicle and sometimes even your personal belongings. The key to survival lies in understanding the enemy, you need to know what you are up against. Here are some typical ranks among the enemy lines.

1. The Scooby-Doos - You dont mess with the Scooby-Doo. You never ever mess with the Scooby-Doo. If someones has a horn that goes Scooby-Dooby-Dooby-Dooby-Dooby-Dooby-Dooby-Dooby-Dooby-Doooo, you dont ever want to mess with them. Just step aside and watch with sheer glee as they self-destruct themselves by running into a derelict India Mark II water pump at a blinding speed. Then you do the customary “Haha... serves him right, God bless his poor soul” thing and be on your way.
2. The Murungakka maamas (Ze Drumstick Uncles.) - they are found on motorcycles, dressed in a sober full sleeve shirt. There will a portly lady in the rear seat unbalancing the vehicle by sitting with both legs hanging on the same side of the bike. This imbalance is countered by hanging a bag of groceries containing 2 murungakkas (drumsticks, the ones that are eaten) sticking out of the bag on the handlebar on the other side (hence the nomenclature). They are the low-life of indian roads, the bottom feeders. They get the least respect. If one of them is in your way, just blare the horn or start cussing out loud and they will dig a burrow on the side of the road and go into hiding.
3. The flag bearers - typically Ambassadors, Qualises that have a flag fluttering on the bonnet (The hood is for Yankees, we have bonnets.. and Dickeys… and Stepneys). They are generally people with loud political affiliations (read thugs). They make the laws and uphold them too (the unwritten ones of course.). Just don’t mess with them. In fact, there is this story of a man who once tried to fight with these people, they say he mysteriously vanished.
4. Men in uniform - No, I am not talking about the police or the defense forces, they don’t count. Auto-rickshaw drivers, bus drivers, tourist cab drivers (now why all these guys wear white, is something that I can’t explain, but nevertheless). Now here we have a symbiosis. They drive like imbeciles but perfectly understand if you do the same.
5. The Edentates - Long thought to be a myth, sightings have reported that there are some vehicles in India that have not yet been dented by some freak collision. These guys will try hard and try very hard at that to keep up to that status. They will be very careful and cautious, so we can take advantage of their meekness and force them into yielding for you at the turn. But if you push it too far, and they end up losing their dent-free status, just try to evaporate from the scene or something to that effect. You don’t want to be there.
6. The Geriatric-Seizing-Magnets - The old peoples, the ones with the under-arm cobwebs. The ones that died a few days ago, but then their family didn’t notice it and they just sent them out to buy some kerosene from the ration store. They just crawl along at a gastropodan pace. If you get any closer than 3 feet from them, they go into a major epileptic fit, convulse wildly and develop this intense magnetic attraction that gravitates towards your vehicle. And before you know it you are being blamed for killing a person who was already dead in the first place.
7. Bonus-points – cyclists, pedestrians, sitting ducks etc.
8. The Vegetable Express - All hail the glorious "Vegetable Express"!!!!!!!
   

Exponential Decay

Statistics indicate that I will be posting about 2.27 times this year. So I guess I will be posting again sometime after summer. Thank You.

Regressive metal...

I take pride in being a simple man. I hate progressive metal with the same passion that I hate Quantum physics and for a similar reason too. Its just too complicated. Quantum physics is complicated to begin with,because all that science is really difficult. But on the other hand, progressive metal is complicated because we made it complicated and after a point all this complexity becomes deliberate and excessive. I already like my quantum physics better and this is exactly what progressive metal has done to the earth. This is what it has done to music. It has put the textbook edge to something that just gives me sheer joy. It has made geeks out of the freaks. As we all know that the freak shall inherit the earth, and I intend on keeping my share.

Back in the day when progressive rock (differentiate from progressive metal) evolved, we had bands like Pink Floyd, Jethro tull and Atomic Rooster. I love and worship these bands, because as progressive as they were, they maintained the end in sight, which is to make good music. When this purpose fails, all the unorthodox time signatures and "boutique" scales become pointless. Progressive metal is defined as being experimental. But every experiment should have an objective. If your objective is to make good music, then it is fine by me. But if your objective is to write a song in latin which when read backwards is the chinese national anthem, and is set to a scale in which the tuning of the strings are in a logarithmic progression and played on a time scale that is in fibonnacci series and with a lead solo by a monkey with a ukelele, I am sorry I am not the guinea pig for that experiment.

It is perfectly appreciable if a good song demands an unorthodox musical structure. Pink Floyd and Jethro tull have many good songs, a lot of them in simple time signatures and scales. But when the song demanded the use of an unorthodox method, they would use it bravely. The quality of the music is not indexed by its complexity. The way progressive metal has progressed, I feel like it is a direct disabuse of the power that complexity of musical structure affords you. I would like to restate the words of a certain wise music critic "Even three-chord-trash is sheer aural ecstasy if it is done the right way"

I dont completely hate progressive metal bands. Lot of their work is really excellent. The others I think they are like confused teenagers, they just need more direction and focus. However, what I do absolutely detest are progressive metal fans. Among self-proclaimed rock fans most are posers and pretenders, but with progressive metal fans all of them are. Here is the point that I dont get. Progressive metal is defined by its use of complicated and unconventional music structure. How can you like something just based on the fact that it is complicated? Why does complexity make something cool? If you like complicated stuff why are you working in a meth lab rather than in a rocket science lab?

An average progressive metal fan knows as much music as I know Yiddish. That screws up things even worse, because when a purported progressive metal fan tries to head-bang, he cant do it! That is because the time signature is so complex and our quintessential progressive metal fan is so musically challenged that he cant keep up to the rhythm. When you headbang, you go
with the rhythm. That is the first and only rule of headbanging. They cant follow the singing because its too tough and the lyrics are in Sanskrit, so eventually there is not one element in the song that they can actually relate to. They probably will relate better to the chattering of chimpanzees.

When I look at a progrssive metal song I would look at it with the sense of amusement with which I would look at a towering skyscraper. But a kicking good rock song is like the Eiffel tower or the pyramids or something like that, it is monumental. Which is why I think that I'll rather stick to the classics.

The Immig-RANT Song

A friend recently asked me to help them compile a list of guidelines for graduate students from India coming into the US for the first time and here is some advice I could come up with.

The reasons are only as diverse as the crowd themselves. There are the truly aspiring ones, the ones with nothing better to do, the greedy ones and the ones pecked into the decision due to pressure from parents and peers. But nevertheless, as every fall dawns, they all join the “August Rush” in pulling the same end of the tug-rope trudging onwards towards the shores of the glorified “Land of the free and home of the brave”. They all come in carrying porcelain dreams as big as their oversized baggage.

The westward march is much akin to a military operation with complicated strategies and intensive planning. The troops are prepared and trained to be able to survive for a year with nothing but their cabin baggage, they are trained to lie to, cheat and scam border security officials and customs officers alike. It is a rather scary thought, but if all these strategic minds are put together on a single drawing board, we could invade the entire world.

The big problem with the entire westward exodus is that it a comedy of misinformation. As a responsible servant of my homeland, I really think it is my duty to ameliorate this situation. So I should clarify certain myths surrounding this glorious country.

Myth #1 : Terrorists and illegal immigrants do not cut their hair.

When they showed the photographs of terrorists on TV the other day, I was shocked. They all had very decent hair-cuts. I also saw illegal immigrants pumping gas at the station, again clean shave and clean haircut. To think of it, I was somehow tricked into believing that a proper shave and a haircut was a highly imperative factor towards getting a visa. In fact without my fancy long multicolored hair I looked more inconspicuous, I looked like a face in the crowd. Why would I try to look inconspicuous? Well, unless I was a terrorist.

There is no trick to acing the Visa interview, they know you are lying and for god’s sake half of us don’t even know to lie convincingly. Try to present a genuine case.

Myth #2 : The baggage check-in counter is a black hole.

My highly vocal aunt is very assured of her opinion that the check-in baggage counter at the airport is a miniature black hole and that anything put in the check-in baggage is lost forever. So it is very important to squeeze my entire house, refrigerator and kitchen sink included, into the cabin baggage. But it was mildly amused when at the airport, I did receive my checked in luggage. As ridiculous as it may sound I do have anecdotal evidence that checked in luggage do make it to their destination once a while.

Myth #3 : This is a land inhabited by carnivorous animals that do not brush their teeth.

I was really surprised when I went to the store the other day. But despite my initial disbelief, it is true, there are civilized human beings here too and they really sell toothpaste in the store. . If I knew earlier that they sell soap, shampoo and toothpaste in this country, I would not have brought 7 tubes of toothpaste, I would have brought only 5. That way, my last 2 toothpastes would not have cost me 60$ for the enormously overweight baggage that I was carrying. Talk about being penny wise and pound foolish

Myth #4 : Infants older than 3 yrs are not permitted to attend graduate school.

This myth is prevalent especially among parents. Well, my suspicions were confirmed but most students coming to graduate school are generally full grown adults. So mothers triple sealing packets of mango pickles in India, please rest your ladles for a moment and listen. Your sons and daughters are full-grown adults, they can talk, they can walk and they can feed and clothe themselves. They are not “struggling”. “Struggling” is what you do with your full time job, without a washer/dryer, without a dishwasher and without the luxury of pre-cut vegetables and meats.

(voice from the audience)

Best Mom Award winner : “But my son is just a baby, what do you expect him to do at this young age”

Sarcasm Guru : “How old were you when you got married and started running the home by yourself?? Think about it…. And I love you mom!”

So, if your kids complain about doing their own laundry and throwing out their own trash, please ask the whiny idiot to suck it up and start acting like an adult.

Myth#5 : Food is a scarce commodity here, and vegetarians are stoned to death by the carnivorous animals.

If this country is good at one thing, it will be its ability at making people obese. This is the fattest country in the world. No one and I mean no one has ever come to this country and lost weight. No one has ever gone malnourished, including vegetarians.

(voice from audience)

Grass-chewer : No! No! NO!... I am vegetarian, I don’t get any food here.

Sarcasm guru : That’s wrong, you are either narrow minded stupid who refuses to try the new vegetarian special on the menu or you are a cheese pizza hogging, veggie burrito gorging, alfredo pasta with zucchini and Portobello mushrooms devouring liar.

I really agree that the hundreds of condiments bundled in delicious parental love make edible, the monstrosities that these inglorious idiots cook for dinner (unless you are the guy with most friends… because you can cook). But nevertheless, the beer and Chinese food that are dialed in are still doing their part in making sure that they will need new clothes when they come home for Christmas. Reminds me of which they don’t need 45 jeans pants, 40 would suffice and they will be going up one pant size pretty soon anyways.

Myth#6 : All graduate students are overworked, homesick and depressed

Here are some pointers parents, sometimes your wards might not call you or attend calls on weekends or when you call on a Sunday morning they might sound very dull and diseased. This is generally because they were working very hard as a part of the “keg-floating-committee” the previous night. Also hangover is not a sickness or a disease, they will get over it. Please don’t advice them to take Crocin or other related analgesics it will only add to the acidity that they have from all the tequila shots.

Also, when in doubt, blame the kid. If he says he is overworked, he is lazy. If he says he is underpaid, he is greedy. If he says he feels tired, he is drinking too much. If he says that his life sucks, tell him that the old girlfriend was not worth it and that you will look for a beautiful alliance from the same caste for him.

The mind of a graduate student is a colorful salad of various emotions. Anxiety of a job hunt, tiff with the girl friend, victory over the rival school in football, speeding tickets, room-mate’s new play station, acing an exam, bungee jumping, maxed out credit cards, the Sunday barbecue to which the hot girl next door is coming to… Everything adds spice to the salad

P.S – Talking of salads, salads in this country can constitute an entire meal.

Myth #7 : Life will be the exact same here as it was back at home

They say this is the land of opportunity and damned right they were not kidding about that. Most people miss opportunity because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Opportunity is there for the taking, but it never comes free. You chose to grab the opportunity, so now you have to prepare to work for it. They are paying you almost 3 times what they would pay your sorry ass in India and if you thought that you could get away with doing lesser work than before you really and truly are outrageously illogical. You thought moving to the USA will help you progress in your career, and simple laws of physics tell you that you need to do more work in order to scale the heights

A corollary to this myth is that life is mechanical over here, or that is what has become fashionable to claim. But however, the last I knew, machines did not go scuba diving in Florida. Nevertheless, it was you that decided to sit at home on a Saturday, eat your Dhaal fry with rice and watch a movie in Indian vernacular over online streaming when you had the opportunity to paraglide over a lake. Life is all about the choices you make. If you decide to make it mechanical and slip into the routine, that is a choice you have made. It is easy to blame circumstance, but in the end the opportunity was always there for the taking.

So wrapping up, its not that bad here, it is a different place, nevertheless it will be a different life, just be ready for it and try to embrace the change gracefully.

Why the dictionary should go to hell.

Full of words, but the meanings make no sense,
Its where the eggs always come before the hens.
Deaf dog ears and a hard-bound shell,
That's just why the dictionary should go to hell.

Plain black and white from cover to cover,
Why describe 'blue' than to just show the color.
How do I look up a word that I don't know to spell,
That's just why the dictionary should go to hell.

Five centuries of complicating crossword clues,
94.3% of the words I would never care to use.
Stacked up in shelves, not one copy does sell,
That's just why the dictionary should go to hell.

Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism,
Is actually a real word in one of them.
Am allergic to dust and don't like an old book's smell
That's just why the dictionary should go to hell,

There are more than 400 meanings to the word "SET"
Everyone here probably has used one I bet
Why I own one myself, I just cant tell,
That's just why the dictionary should go to hell.

Sleeping Sickness

I haven't been reporting to work for two full days. I had called in sick but I havent been sick at all. The reason why I had stayed home was that I felt like sleeping. This was not plain lethargy, but a real desperate need to sleep, but my idea had been defeated.

It was a bad time for me to have guests in the house, because I had to now share my room with a friend who snores with the sound of a concrete mixer. I believe the concrete mixer was working well over time through the night because I was still tossing in the bed at 7 in the morning. My head and back felt as though they were completely cast in concrete, my bedding and pillow felt like they were made out of concrete. If only my ears were rather filled with concrete. I had gone to bed in my cosy apartment bedroom, which had all of a sudden transformed into a concrete jungle.

The other friend was sleeping in the couch downstairs and I should tell you he is such a sadist. He brought along with himself 2 puppies. I am sure he wedges the puppies' tails between the toilet door, waits for me to slip into the slightest of stupor and then slams the door shut. The howling retrievers bring me back to rapt wakefulness. I was wondering if he would believe me, if I told him that I was trying to just push the puppies back into thier crate using the barbecue fork.

It was about this time that the concrete mixer flipped over to his side and the snoring stopped. I was going to pop champagne in celebration (trust me a bit of bubbly wouldnt have been such a bad idea if it would knock me off to bed.) , but the joy was shortlived. He was snoring again but his pitch was slightly different, this time like a blunt saw rasping through fine redwood. Just hearing the sonorous depth of the snore, you could almost trace the wind through his pipes. With your eyes closed you could see his epiglottis and uvula reverb in violent cacophonous protest to the flow of air, like they would be happier if he choked and died.

It is a complete misnomer that sleeplessness makes you drowsy and groggy. To the contrary it heightens all of your senses. Every nerve ending and synapse works with sheer electricity. When you are unable to sleep, you are aware of everything, every smallest discomfort is magnified as though under a huge lens. My pinky toe was hurting, my throat felt dry as though I had a spoonful of dry plaster, the room was getting too bright, the air was getting heavy to breathe, and despite the riotous snoring I could hear the floorboard creaking as I turned in bed and my beard was feeling itchy even though I had no beard. I wished I was hermetically sealed in something like a ziploc bag.

Now that sleeping seemed to have become a lost cause, I thought that it would be a good idea to lie awake in bed and perfect my coughing technique. I tried to come up with a convincing "cough" which I could use in front of my boss when I reported to work in the morning. I was contemplating between a gentle tuberculosis wheeze, a dry throaty cough, or a wet phlegmatic chesty one. The trick was to strike the appropriate balance of believability and drama. It was among one of these congested wheezes that sounded like the batteries had died on an old taperecorder that I had finally and gently slipped into sleep.

In almost cinematic climax as I was typing this down, my boss shows up to ask how I was doing. I was in brief shock making frantic efforts to minimize the windows. My voice box failed me as I tried to reply and the bewildered and speechless vocal chords rang an empty dissonance. It was like my throat had gone sore from 3 days of flu. In afterthought, I must have sounded convincingly sick.

Snuffed up and snuffed out....

I was walking down the road, my usual dorky self with my "geek-pack" strapped on my shoulder with nerd written all over my disposition because I was walking to work cheerfully on what was a university holiday due to predicted inclement weather. I was waiting at the lights for a signal to be able to cross the road. This typical "stoner" car pulls over next to me. (Well if you dont know what a stoner car is, It is typically a 1972 Cadillac DeVille, in aquamarine color, with 21" alloy rims, no airconditioner and equipped with a very loud stereo reconstructed from a broken down amplifier, it also is lored to be fitted with a air-freshener that smells of a certain popular "recreational" herb.) The guy driving it was a Caucasian male, around 25 years of age, brown curly hair, blue eyes, wearing a white printed tee-shirt. (Hi there! at the FBI in case you are reading this.) He hollers out from the window "Dude, do you have some stuff on you???" I am the retard and I didnt understand what was the "stuff" that he wanted, but I thought it would be more graceful to pretend that I was hard of hearing. "Dude, do you have like some stuff?? You know... weed, gaanja, coke". I wanted to tell him, "Maybe you can try the gas station" but like all my comebacks this one was also lame and late. So all I managed to squeeze out was a weak "No", as he snaked away at a surprisingly high speed across the red lights. This was the first crazy thing. Now, of the 20 odd people on the road "Why Me???", this is the first question.

Well this question kept me preoccupied all the way up to my building. When a stolen car pulled over next to me. I knew it was stolen because it was a spanking new, totally maxed out Ford Mustang GT and the guy driving it had absolutely no control over the beast. The car tottered to a halt next to me. The guy lowers the window and asks me "Habla Espanol???" (Now you guys are convinced the car is stolen, arent you?? You racist bastards!!!) Anyways, I said "No Espanol" and clearly the guy was lost. I asked him "WHERE???" and I yelled like we all do, as if yelling it louder would magically translate it to Spanish. He replied "Houston". I was mildly surprised and I clarified "Houston???" "Houston." he replied again. We did the same thing a couple of times like it was a game that was not so much fun. But the reason why I was surprised was because, why would someone be asking for directions to Houston from the middle of the university. My guess is someone got completely lost during his get-away run. Anyways a little bit of calisthenics and dumb-charades later, I gave him directions the best I could. But I bet he is not reaching Houston tonight. This was the second crazy thing. Now, "Why would the guy think I was Hispanic?". This is the second question.

Now these 2 questions have opened out many possibilities for me.
1. What if some Columbian drug lord had a baby in Chennai and there was the famous "cradle-swap-in-the-hospital-

incident" that has been glorified and used to the fullest extent in indian cinema.
2. What if all this is a eye-wash, maybe I am the son of a Mexican drug cartel leader and I have been grown under guardians, to have a life free from all the gangs and drugs.
3. Maybe I was a drug peddler in the streets myself and then "amnesia-incident" happened. (Well the switch is supposed to be on the back of the head isnt it???)
4. What if I am actually snuffed up right now and am hallucinating.

Jeez life is scary.

Engineered to think...

I have come to realize that humans are formed of 2 subspecies, that are so different that it truly amazes me that we are still able to cross breed, namely the scientists and the engineers. If you were thinking as to whatever happened to art, business, medicine, humanities etc. BAH.. HUMBUG! Every person, even if their job is to knock doors and sell soap, eventually falls under one of the two categories. Take a look at the big picture**, there are 2 ways to lead life. One is to search for the truth. The other is to take the truth for granted and try to work out an optimal path towards it. There is a sense of neo-dwaitha about this whole thing.
Being the scientist that I am, repeated observations have led me to the conclusion that not only are the two absolutely incapable of understanding each other, but are also incapable of having a sane conversation together.

Experiment No. 244356.
Aim – To teach an engineer scientific principles.
Procedure - My friend of the other kind was working towards improving the lubrication efficiency of serum using gold nanoparticles***. Since I am a biochemist ( a sorry unsuccessful subdivision under "scientist"), engineers assume that I have absolute knowledge in anything remotely biological in nature all the way from cardiac surgery to agriculture. She had a very simple question for me. She wanted to know the chemical structure of serum. Engineers generally leave me lost for words, but this time I did have a comeback. "Rather simple question, which I will answer right after you tell me the chemical formula of coffee"****. She did not get the joke, alarm bells should have been screaming red alert in my head and this should have been the point when I should have prudently ended the conversation unless I had a sheer sense of vengeance over the few valuable strands of hair that research had been kind enough to spare. But, fate had it that, I took it my responsibility to spend 3 hours trying to beat in elementary biochemistry into her head. But proteins still decided to remain the 'body building nutrient' as the 2nd standard science book had emphatically proclaimed.
Result – I am unable to chose between disaster and failure.
Inference - A totally futile effort at teaching, precipitates the necessity to conduct further experiments.

Experiment No. 244357
Aim – To help an engineer think scientifically.
Procedure – based on the results of Expt No. 244356, I decided to instead try to solve her problem by using the scientists’ two favorite tools; logic and rationale. I was quite impressed with the level of detail she had to offer regarding her method and experimental set up. But however I asked the question that every engineer dreads, and none of them has the answer for. “What are you trying to find or prove?” Now I had no clue that this question was the play button for engineers, because every engineer ever faced with this question first tells what parameters they are measuring, and then they go about telling their entire method all over again. At this point a scientist has to understand that this can go on forever. The only way to jump out of this loop***** is when the engineer either admits that his boss is mad or that they really are not trying to find out anything at all. For me it was a “I really am not tiring to find out anything, infact I don’t care what I do, I just need to improve the efficiency.” For a scientist really this is not a helpful target, because that is where we get cranky and suggest they use some grease on the hinges. We tackle specific questions, prove specific hypothesis. Engineers try to get a positive result, but we don’t have a concept of negative result at all. An experiment either proves or disproves a fact, and we have learnt to embrace either with equal grace. Engineers do objective driven research, we do hypothesis driven research.
Result – Like an engineer would aver, “Negative result”.
Inference – Stick to scientific experiments, trying to improve or optimize anything is not your forte at any level

The two attempt above are what engineers call ‘Experiments’ and are just a standing example and warning for all scientists who plan on attempting to do anything that has to do with optimizing or improving a system (like teaching an engineer some science). We are just not made for that kind of work.

**I really am not qualified to use phrases like "the big picture", "keep me in the loop", "the wholistic point of view" because I dont have an MBA, but my limited vocabulary has left me wanting.
***At this juncture, if you dont understand that part. If you are a scientist, it is only because it is something stupid that them engineers are doing. If on the other hand if you are an engineer, it is only because a scientist is telling you this.
****False sitcom laughter from the scientists. Damn you geeks, come on!!!
*****Has no relation to the phrase “Keep me in the loop”. This is a different loop, a real loop.